She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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