I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
