Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
