so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
