Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
