The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
