We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
