if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
