I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
