Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
