i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
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