maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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