Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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