If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
