Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
