Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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