Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
