I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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