We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
A+ Viking dick
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