I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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