There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
This girl is more easily done than said...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
