Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
