I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Two words: blizzard sex
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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