Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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