I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
