Just cropdusted the office
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
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