Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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