They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
