Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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