Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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