so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
