My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
