I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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