Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
