I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
