How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I can't put those talents on a resume
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
