I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
