I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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