The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
