on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
