Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize