So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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