mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
