beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
