I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
