tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
