I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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