I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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