She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
it was like eating out sand paper
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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