i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
