i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
