dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
