I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My penis needs a shock collar
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize