my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
