Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize