and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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