you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My vagina just recognized that song.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize