So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
try to milk me bitch
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